on endings and beginnings

so, as one might have surmised, i couldn't even bare to blog on thursday and friday because i was just that tired. oof, i say!

but now it's saturday. i'm preparing to meet with an old friend of lovely partner's to see some more sights and eat some more food. woo-hoo to seeing more of vancouver!

i'm in a bitter-sweet place about ending the workshop. my body was so obviously beginning to break down. i got a sharp pain just above my knee-cap on thursday morning, and on friday during our suzuki training, my ankle started acting wonky. but that said, i was actually very sad to be ending this week.

i feel like it's only just begun. spending 7 hours a day working on physical theater with a small group of people really clarified what i need to continue working on. and my mind wanders to all the possibilities. do i want to go to australia to train with zen zen zo? do i want to apply to train with SITI next summer? do i try to find some other venue to do another intensive? do i try to partner up with an austin group to bring someone to train us to austin? it's all craziness in some ways, but also intensely necessary. it's been a long time since i've taken to a training method so quickly and fully. i remember running in a circle yesterday, doing a version of the 12/6/4 viewpoints exercise (where the group running in a circle somehow magically decides to change direction, jump, or stop simultaneously 12, 6, and 4 times respectively) and thinking, "hey, i could do this all day long, for a long time!" even the suzuki, which is designed to make you twitch and grimace (but you resist this urge) had a certain quality that hailed my deepest level of concentration.

on saying our last impressions of the week yesterday, one of the women in the group said, "i realized i don't want to rehearse anymore, i just want to perform." she was talking about how you can make "rehearsals" into performances, bringing the same amount of intent and energy to the rehearsal space. it was a wise thing to say and one that i plan to bring back to stamplab rehearsals.

having finished out this week, i'm still trying to figure out how to continue. i found myself walking down the hallway of my rental apartment as slowly as i could, heel to toe, upper body not moving.

i am transfixed.