grant update 2

so, i have a draft, but this proposal is still kicking me in the ass. it is still too loose, not quite as coherent as i like. it needs to be tighter. i see the project in my head, but prioritizing what is important to other people in my writing is hard. some things are deeply important to me, but are only "nice background" for people who might give me money. other things are important enough--what i will think about later, yet exactly what they will be looking for. i've gotten excellent feedback from my friends, good guiding questions. if i can only answer and fix what they say, the proposal will be that much better. but for every bullet point i address, i have to get up and away from the keyboard. i pull at my hair and grimace in public. i brought myself to a cafe so as to reduce the many distractions that are at my house. but now i feel trapped. i have to leave this place, or else i will explode. but i know that the longer i manage to stay here, the more i will get done.

this is too important to fuck up. but it's also a bit too important to write about eloquently and passionately in the same go. i alternate between passion and eloquence for each writing session. as it stands now, you can tease out where the passion ends and where the eloquence begins. the goal is for them to meet and overlap. to weave a unified message. that's a lot of coordination. i'm pretty athletic. and i can multi-task if i really want to. but fuck-it-all. this shit hits so close.

there's a reason why i had to quit being a bio major in college. i knew that it distracted from the music. i needed more time for the music. once i decided to commit, i didn't even miss the bio.

but this grant brings me back to that place. where my left brain and right brain kept vying for prominence. i'm glad this damn thing is due soon. otherwise, i might just go brain dead.