Sunday, January 20, 2008

on sleeping and insomnia

okay, so i'm just gonna go out on a blogging cliche limb and indulge my megalomaniacal everyday minutiae middle-class self-important drabble and say it: i'm depressed.

there. much better.

well, not really. jeez people, i'm depressed. and when i look at my life, i really got nothin' for it. that is (for those of you who do not speak samwise gamgee), i have no reason to be depressed. i have a lovely partner, a house that is beautiful, and a couple of loving dogs to help warm it. i am in the most creative period of my life since i graduated from college. and i'm actually seeing small projects finish and come into fruition. i refuse to do any job that doesn't seem fulfilling to me. and i see friends on a fairly regular basis (regular basis for me, that is).

so what, pray tell, the FUCK is wrong with me?

i spent the entire day yesterday in bed. yes, in bed! and not in the good way. no, it was in that undeniably bad way. that, i-don't-want-to-face-the-world-so-i'm-just-not-gonna! way.

and my mind shoots all sorts of reasons at me. is it grief? is it some type of re-organizing of my life? is it my crazy neuroses around the play i am in? is it my saturn return? and fuck-it-all, i don't know! any reason seems just as good as the next.

and now, because of yesterday's all-day-in-bed debacle, where i actually think i slept for at least 16 hours, i'm having trouble sleeping. so i blog. and so, dearest readers, if you have made it thus far, please forgive me my indulgence. i needed to think that you would read this. and i needed to feel that i would be read. otherwise, i think i would have imploded from loneliness.


fuck depression. tomorrow, i shall buy a symbolic firearm, seek out depression and shoot it. (just in case there are some people out there who do not know me, i am generally opposed to firearms, thus the "symbolic" disclaimer.) i will kill it dead. it will plead and protest, and bargain with me, but i will look it in the eyes with my coldest stare and shoot it point blank in the forehead. and as its limp body hits the pavement, its fingers will twitch and i will be a little sad and dismayed. no one likes to put down a living being, even if it is depression itself.

but that's the plan. because i'm sick of depression. and if it's not going to leave me alone, well. it should know better.

be gone, depression. you're not needed here!

1 comment:

la rebelde said...

hang in there. its hard to stay upbeat when you don't feel like your life is going where you want it to go. i do that stay-in-bed thing too. i convince myself that i do it because i'm addicted to listening to npr while laying in my comfy warm bed, but it's also because i don't want the day to begin quite yet. i like that you are so candid about it--i keep reading posts by depressed bloggers who seem don't seem to feel responsible for their actions. but regardless, being depressed just sucks!