on kissing

mmmmmkay.
so. i had written in the blog of my former production about kissing on stage. but i deleted it when i left that show. so. for those of you who read that post, here's a recap.

in the last show, "nighthawks (nh)," i was in at least two kiss scenes. and it became a huge drama in my head. i obsessed over it. i tried to choreograph it. man. it was hard. most of the reason why it was so hard is that ever since wonderful partner and i came together, she was the only one i kissed for over six years. that's a big deal, i think. and here, i was going to kiss another.

in addition, maybe you might know this about me, but i don't usually like being touched. especially by strangers. touch is actually really really important to me, so while i give it out to those i love, i'm pretty stingy about it to those i don't. i also have a sordid past that involved kissing way too many people--sometimes literally within seconds of each other--and it all becoming a hot mess. i had a "reputation" in college. i broke hearts, yeah. but my heart was broken many many times, too. i learned to pay attention to my physical intent. to be responsible. to care and be cared for. this led me to monogamy. with wonderful partner.

so kissing became huge. like HUGE! and i had a little private nervous breakdown that included me crushing on my kissee and then acting funny and awkward at strange times. and when we finally did kiss, it was the most awkward, awful thing. yeah. so awkward, we had to be "coached." which is even more awkward. and this kiss was supposed to be, like, HOT, so we had to really talk and process and stuff. my kissee was/is a great person, who was patient with my freakouts and respectful of my need for boundaries and my sacred monogamous relationship.

and then, as you know, it never came to fruition. so my freakouts were for naught.

or so i thought.

this new play i'm in, "why koreans don't hug (wkdh)" also has a kiss scene in it. when i found that out, i had a mini freakout, but it subsided quickly. i realized, i've done this now, so good.

today i show up at rehearsal and we're set to do the kiss scene. and i was ready. i was trying to reassure my kissee and tried to make it comfortable.

the thing is, unlike in nh, when the kiss is all sex-positive and celebratory, the wkdh kiss is super fraught. actually, without giving too much away (since i want y'all to come see it) it's just plain creepy. so that made it very difficult. the acting for this character is super hard. trying to find intention while being extremely conscious of the character's dubious nature is hard. and then throwing a kiss and a charged embrace into the mix--wow. but i persevered. and i thought i did okay. but this kissee (who is a first year undergrad, 18 yo and straight) suddenly ripped herself away from me just as i was trying to act it out. i saw fear and confusion on her face and i felt sorry for her. and then i felt gross.

which is hard. here i think i've overcome my fear of stage/screen kissing, and i get kinda rejected. i know i *play* a dirty old man in the production, but that moment made me, kt, feel like a dirty old man. even though, i wasn't.

it's so difficult. because on the one hand, actors are an insecure, vain bunch. i want to build up the other actors, let them know they are pretty or beautiful or attractive. but on the other hand, i don't want to come across as wanting more than i actually do. i really don't care about whether i kiss this person or not. but the script says i do. and i want to convey to her that, you know, she's not gross or anything. but it's so weird. it's like a dance that's un-choreographed, but everyone knows when you misstep.

sigh. i've been playing around with this idea in my head of shooting a short video called "kt learns to kiss." basically, it starts with a confession of me talking about how i freak out when it comes to stage/screen kisses, and then the rest of the video is just me kissing a bunch of people. some would see it as ulterior motive to kiss a bunch of people. yes, i was once a "mouth whore." but i'm not anymore. i really believe that i would be happy, content satisfied kissing only wonderful partner for the rest of my life. the thing is, i hate being so scared of kissing that i want to overcome this fear. and it's a skill: kissing on demand and making it convincing. that is what this video would be about. i don't know if it will ever happen.

so i post this now. i feel like my soul is raw and vulnerable. that's probably why this post reads like a high school kid's journal. i just want to curl up with wonderful partner and spoon.

on: seriously folks, there are REAL predators out there

so, wonderful partner read to me this story about how the fbi has been planting links in message boards to try to catch down-loaders of child porn.

the main reason she read it to me in the first place was she had only today told me about the phenomenon of rickrolling, that basically means putting a link on something (email, blog, IM, website) saying that the link is "x" (a kitty, a cool site, something...) and then it actually being a link to a youtube video of "never gonna give you up." yeah, i'm late to the scene, people.

so, the thing is, it seems that people have been (inadvertently or not) duck/rickrolling childporn links into some of their messages and thereby trapping unsuspecting link clickers in fbi snares.

sigh. i was gonna rickroll all y'all (yes, that IS the plural of y'all). but now i'm determined not to rickroll you or duckroll you in any way. because i don't want no errant child porn to somehow find itself in your cache, thereby subjecting you to unfettered fbi molesting. (not that i even have the slightest idea nor do i want to know how to find child porn.)

so, this story is pretty sad. wonderful partner and i just became speechless and agreed: why would they spend so much time and energy and money on these cases when there are REAL children being molested and put into porn? i just hate it. really.

real people. real children. our "justice" system can just get things all wrong. too often.

on my horoscope for this week

scary? smart? i don't know who the good-looking monster could be...


This is one of those rare times when your empathy could undo you unless you adhere to the following guidelines. 1. Squelch any attraction you might have to fascinating ruins, sexy decay, or appalling beauty. 2. If you have been sucked into the sphere of a good-looking monster or seductive tyrant, yank yourself free. 3. Break your gaze the instant you sense you're falling under the sway of a flaming narcissist. 4. Suppress the temptation to think this thought: "I'm bored with my hell; I want to hang out in your hell for a change."

on being someone to "perv" on

time has been a strange thing for me lately. it feels like what doctor who (ten) said about it being not so much linear, but like a big tangle of a ball. anyway, beside the point.

i'm just late in posting (bragging) about sugarbutch posting pix of me. i was flattered when she said she would. she's been working on a semi-loose archive of "butch" pix--aka "eye candy." although i sometimes have trouble with the moniker of "butch" per se, i feel totally cool and okay being called as such by SB. some time, maybe, i'll talk about my gender identity in relation to my art as well as money and the lotto. that would be a huge, multi-part post! (perhaps this whole blog is about that anyway...)

so, the link to the post is here. thanks, katerina for "perving" on me. to see it written down does, uh, stroke... my ego.

on apologies long overdue

when i was in college, i had a roller coaster ride of a time. politically, emotionally, socially. i started off as a good little mixed girl from japan, just trying to write music and learn biology. i ended up as a necktie-wearing, semi-militant, protest march attending, rip-roarin' radical queer of color.

at oberlin, this narrative arc isn't as rare as one would expect. in fact, it's really a rite of passage for all those who attend with some idea of moral and social justice. but man, what a ride.

so, during my third year of college, after my *race epiphany,* i became uber confrontational and sometimes mean. i made white women cry and wore it as a badge. i lost friends who i deemed to be "fucked up." and i made new enemies with people who were equally as outspoken as i was, but "wrong."

with one "enemy," i don't remember the circumstances too well. i think i've blocked it out of my memory. but i know it involved me confronting a white friend of mine about violating "safe space" for people of color; a huge campus-wide skirmish over the whole thing; and said "enemy" (being a close friend of my white friend who then became a non-friend) yelling "cunt" at me in the hallway of the conservatory. i think that made me cry.

i've hated him ever since.

but this morning, i received an apology from him in my inbox. i was shocked. floored, really. it seemed that he was starting to understand things that i never thought it was possible for him to understand. and he told me as much. i was so shocked, i thought someone sent me the message as a joke, posing as him. really, it was that shocking.

and i was moved. i don't see myself as becoming buddies with him or anything, but his change was moving. it also showed me that i've changed as well. i'm not as hard as i once was. and i like to think i'm not as stubborn. and i now know (all too well) that i am not always right.

this hasn't been the first email i have received from a college friend or acquaintance trying to reconcile about a burnt bridge. but this is the first one i've responded to with forgiveness, or mutual reconciliation.

maybe i'm more open now. or maybe i have a certain hunch that this message is part of the "making amends" step in a recovery program--and i've become so much more empathetic to recovering addicts. i've only recently written out a whole list of "amends" i want to make with people myself.

i wish i knew. but it's got me pondering a lot of things. here, after only four hours of sleep, under a dark, cloudy sky not unlike the one i lived under for seven years at oberlin.

story? done?

okay. just a note. that story i've been writing? is done--at least this draft is. revisions, here we come!

kt gets cast!

eeeeeheeheeheeheehee!
this time, laughter of joy, happiness, excitement!

i've been cast y'all! i'll be playing the korean reverend in soo-jin lee's new play, why koreans don't hug. this will be part of this year's UT New Theatre.

heee heee!

for more info on the show and the showcase it's in, go here.

here's to breaking legs!

pictures! pictures! pictures!

okay, so wura told me she likes looking at my pictures. so, w, this post is for you.

for a while lately, whenever i look at my art supplies (of which i have many, since i inherited all my mother's old oils, watercolors, and pastels...), i get drawn toward my japanese calligraphy brushes and inks. so i set it all up. the thing about japanese calligraphy is you don't usually redo a stroke. so it's all about practice, practice, practice and then you decide to finally do one on "real" paper and hope it goes well. for last night's session, i just used scrap paper. i started with characters. then i moved onto figures. here are my attempts at making whippets:

the bottom one is my favorite. i think i tried to do about a dozen whippets and these were the best ones.this was a short study of color gradients using water mixed with ink. it was HARD. it looks so easy when the masters do it...
the main exercise all master calligraphers do first is to write "ichi"--"one." this is one of the "ones" i did last night. it was out of several. this is my favorite.

then i saw i had lots of ink. and when you make the ink, you wanna use it, because it's actually pretty labor intensive to rub that ink stick in the ink stone. so i thought, hey, i've never done self portraits in ink! so here are some i did:

self portrait 1: pretty simple.
self portrait 2.
self portrait 3: as a dyke, i have many many many many drawings of my own hand. this is the first time i've tried it with a brush. it looks pudgy, but the pudginess is pretty idiomatic.
self portrait 4: a surprisingly accurate version of my body. the head, well. sometimes i get heavy-handed. yes. this is really close to what my body actually looks like. (i'm a hairy boy.)
self-portrait 5: this is one of those japanese school children drills where i drew my face using hiragana characters. it's called "henohenomoheji." they say that one always tends to draw "henohenomoheji" to look like oneself. how'd i do?

(the scrap paper i used was actually old scripts from that play i was in. [insert silly emoticon here])

on auditions, on requests

i'm auditioning for a part tomorrow. it's for a 60-ish, korean male minister part. this makes me smile. i'm nervous (i always get nervous before auditions), but if i get cast for this, i'm super excited. because how much will my chops get honed?! old? korean? minister? i've done male before, but this is a very particular masculinity that i'm very interested in embodying.

uncomfortable, here we come! woo-hoo! i love it!

(wish me luck, or rather, to break a leg.)

in other news, i actually saw, in person, some of you lovely readers yesterday. which was wonderful. it really means a lot that what i write here connects with people i love and respect. one of you mentioned that you like looking at the pictures. so. i'm gonna try to get back to more drawings. and maybe photos. yes. that's a promise.

on creative buddies

i have a writing buddy. i met her a couple years ago. she curates a salon for artists of color. a while back, she sent out a call for people wanting to present at the salon. i wrote back something like, "i have a short story or two that i would love to present, but i'm shy." i ended up not presenting at the salon for many reasons, but she said, "i'd love to look at your writing, tho." and thus began our relationship as writing buddies.

i've been very flattered that she is my writing buddy. i feel like she's way ahead of me. she's pretty well published. and in a lot of ways, she is more serious about being a "writer" than i am. and she could easily choose someone else as a writing buddy. (actually, i'm pretty sure she does. i think she has multiple writing buddies. which is okay, since we are in a non-monogamous writing buddy relationship.) every time i meet with her, i feel rather lucky. she's picked over my writing many times, to the point that she has corrected my GRAMMAR and even hand-written suggestions for rephrasing. all this from a lambda-nominated novelist. but the feelings seem mutual. at the end of our meetings, we thank each other profusely: "wow! you've given me so much to think about!"

and i'm realizing i need more of that. after writing my post of "wants" i have thought long about my ideas of failure. i realize, i need to push the crap more. and i need more eyes and ears. to me, this means, i must write more, and i absolutely MUST start putting on in-progress performances. i need feedback. which is always hard. i have memories of some in-progress shows that still make my ears ring out of humiliation. but i think humility is in order.

i've started asking more and more people to look at my work. i try to take a large swath, for three reasons: 1. i want to see how my writing "reads" to different demographics of people; 2. i want as many suggestions as possible; and 3. if i get really harsh feedback from one person, it will be put in perspective--kinda, sorta.

so here is the thing. i'm asking you, my readers, to become my creative buddies.

i'm not going to post in-progress writing or work here, per se. that's a bit too vulnerable for me. instead, i ask that if you would like to read my work (some of it finished-ish, some of it in-progress), please leave a comment or email me. i will then send my work to you via email. in return, i would be willing to read/look at any of your work and will give my best constructive criticism. if you are not an active artist, i can offer you a hug, or a song, or an acknowledgment in any possible future publications.

credentials (you know, so that you can know i would be worth your time and that my critiques might be helpful) : i write music, performance art scores (sometimes referred to as "scripts" or "plays") and fiction. most of my fiction takes place in japan. most of my music is minimalist or experimental. i've also been called a filmmaker and have screened works, but my lack in the video camera ownership department has hindered this particular medium for three years.

so, here goes. i'm taking a big breath about this post. it could be really awesome, or kinda dramatic, or disappointing, or just... anticlimactic. well. we'll see!

on genderqueers and those who love us

sugarbutch posted an entry on a craigslist personal by someone who basically derides all butches, non-op trannies, genderqueers, "bois," etc. it hit a note with me, so i'm linking to it here.

if you're not so interested in gender, gender performance, queerness, etc. then it prolly won't be interesting to you. then again, if you're not even the slightest bit interested in the above, why are you here again?

oh yeah, 'cause you want me to win the lotto, right.

until then, tho'. mosey on over to what SB has to say.

please sign this

please consider signing this petition supporting u of mich giving andrea smith tenure. if you want more info on the case, go here.

i want, or, erotica for myself

big wants:
1. i want to experience life as nam june paik described. with all 10 holes. ("Male human body has nine holes. Female body has ten. When all holes are filled, you have satisfaction. Purpose of inter-media art is to plug all holes as fast and efficiently as you can." though, he really miscounted. we technically have 12 functioning holes. bio-men, sorry, you still only have 9.)

2. i want my hands to be the source of the world. to build, to destroy, to love.

3. i want to sift and cull and eliminate: bullshit, boredom, and all things that tell me i should not exist in this world.

4. i want to fail miserably, in front of many people, with my heart and soul distended and raw. i want to pick up those pieces, reassemble them, and make anew. i want my successes borne of failure. exquisite, perfect, disastrous failure.

5. i want slow fucks. i want fast fucks. i want mind fucks and heart fucks. i want to fuck and be fucked. i want to fuck until i cry. i want to fuck until i laugh. i want to fuck alone. i want to fuck the world. fuck fuck fuck. don't stop.

6. i want to defy death but pass peacefully. i want to end war but never stop fighting. i want to conquer disease but never stop healing.

7. i want to know my fears. i want to live with them. i want to talk to them and learn about them. i want to wallow in my fears and learn to be brave.

8. i want to learn to live in my body. i want to know every inch of it and what it can and cannot do. i want to love its limitations and push its potential.

little wants (specifics):
1. i want to be working in my body with the opera by april. i want yvan to show me how to do that.

2. i want to finish this short story by next week.

3. i want to spend at least an hour every week by myself with my thoughts. no people, no dogs, just myself.

4. i want to show my work, my unfinished crap-ass work, to many people and listen to what they say.

5. i want to go to a show, reading, gallery, movie, at least every week.

6. i want momoko to visit me in my dreams and tell me why she became what she did.

7. i want to hit a home run every game. i want to sink 10 free throws in a row. i want to climb five flights of stairs and still breath easy.

8. i want creative capital to to invite me to apply. i want to write the best application i know how--specific, clear, persuasive. i want creative capital to award me a grant.

9. i want to book a space, advertise, and perform an in-progress show of my opera music. before the peaches in my yard become ripe.

10. i want to know who you are.

preview

this is what my horoscope says according to two sources:

free will astrology:
In his book Starbucked, Taylor Clark claims there is a woman who goes into a Seattle Starbucks every day during the morning rush and orders a "decaf single grandé extra vanilla two-percent extra caramel 185-degrees with whipped cream caramel macchiato." Maybe her request seems overly fussy and demanding, but in the next 12 days I encourage you to be equally as exacting in asking for what you want. You have a poetic license to be extremely specific as you go about your quest for fulfillment.

tarot.com:
Apparently unsolvable issues can slow you down at home today. But when you realize that you really do have choices now, things can move along. You may not be thrilled with the possibilities, but any decision is better than none, for it's crucial to bring forward movement into your life. Even if you're unsure about your new direction, change will do you good.

this tells me two things: i should figure out what i want, and be specific; i should pursue that desire and go, go, go!

i'm blogged out for today, what with the memes and such. but tomorrow? it's all about what kt wants. yeah.

archive meme

la rebelde posted this meme a while ago, and i've been trying to figure out how i would respond since. but she tagged me, i mean, really tagged ME, so here's my best attempt:

meme:
Go back through your archives and post the links to your five favorite blog posts that you've written. ... but there is a catch:

Link 1 must be about family.
Link 2 must be about friends.
Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are... what you're all about.
Link 4 must be about something you love.
Link 5 can be anything you choose.

family: i realized that i don't write about my blood family very much in this blog. not that i don't have plenty of material. but, that's another story. i do write about my chosen family a fair amount. here's a recent one: on portraits. i like it because i drew pictures. and it includes the dogs. and wonderful partner.

friends: i talk about two of my dearest friend in on procrastination. i talk about my oldest friend in on happiness.

me: codex to my rage and on cartography.

something i love: well, it's a combination of love and lust, really: on music crushes

other: this is the post that really connected me to this blog and to a lot of readers. i cried when i wrote it, and i was happy to have a forum in which to share it: dirge.

i'm tagging jenifer wofford, wonger, and ana lara.

Prof BW's meme

here is a meme posted by professor black woman, soliciting info on women of color feminists.

when she wrote back to a comment i posted saying, "you know you want to, kt," i couldn't resist.

here is what she wrote:

I am asking that each of my readers point to one or more books, articles, poems, and/or key female figures of color who have discussed feminism from 1492 to the present. Please choose: one historical figure, one from 1960-70, and one from the present from the U.S. Please also choose at least one from outside of Euro-America.

1. historical figures
murasaki shikibu and sei shounagon. late heian (10-11c) writers and two of japan's best loved, known for "the tales of genji" and "pillow book." i include them as a pair because they compliment each other. they held a rivalry while they lived and to this day, many lay people passionate in literature will fall into "shikibu" and "shounagon" camps. shikibu was about narrative, nuance, and emotion. shounagon was about affect, rawness, and sex. shikibu accused shounagon of overstepping her bounds by writing in the "masculine" chinese texts. shounagon thought shikibu was a weak pansy. i include them as feminists not only because they have stood the test of time, but because they had strength and power in their own rights, during their own times. they were not coy, they were vocal. and they lived in their sexuality and were not afraid to use it. it is because of their two main texts that we know about the heian period as one full of polyamory and pansexuality. not just for men, but for shikibu and shounagon as well.

2. from 1960-70
ntozake shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf: a choreopoem
audre lorde, "the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house"
mitsuye yamada, "invisibility is not a natural disaster"

3. present from the U.S.
ana lara's novel, erzulie's skirt
kia corthron's play, "cage rhythm"
kristina wong, "wong flew over the cuckoo's nest"

i could keep going, but i think that this is good for now.

introducing myself

i wrangled my way into this blog. kt is so whipped! i'm here to spread rumors about her just for shits and giggles. first up: i wrote a paragraph of her creative capital grant. that's okay because i also wrote part of a paragraph in her graduate school application essay. (hee.) but that's it, honest. i haven't written any of her masters thesis. god knows, i don't have the goddess-given balls or talent to write any of her short stories. you should read them. i'd scan them in but there are copyright issues. and lesbo co-dependency stuff. did you know our lesbo couples therapist spends hours and hours telling us to stop dressing like twins? just kidding. in truth, i end up dressing a little like her -- not kt, but the girl-mo therapist. weird, huh? hey, have you checked out the blog girlfriendisahomo? it's my new find for today. i'd link to it but i'm really tired today. i stayed all up night writing kt's creative capital grant. did i mention that already?

xoxo
wp

on pink slips, creative capital

so, wonderful partner said to me, "maybe you should clarify with your readers about you getting fired."

my thinking was, oh it's clear enough! but then i realized, maybe it would be helpful to disclose some of the circumstances, just so it's absolutely clear: this had nothing to do with me or my skills as an actor.

last week, one of the main cast members quit. he was one of the lynch pins. even though other folks have left the cast, their characters were usually minor. one part was written out. the other part had been played by three actors.

anyway, main cast member quit. me and another actor spoke on the phone and agreed, "this is dead in the water." i was terrified, disappointed, but a bit relieved. only the week before, i had a tense conversation with the director about rehearsal space. i vouched for the play to my mentor in order to get new rehearsal space at UT. i had been trying to write a grant for the show so that we actors would be guaranteed some sort of compensation. i had mentioned the grant at least three weeks ago. but i was frustrated because it started to become something that i was about to start running around at the last minute to finish.

i was doing a lot for the play.

but i was taken aback by my relief when main cast member quit. i realized that this project had become an albatross. it felt like i was thinking about it more than, well, more than the creator. and i began to feel as though i wasn't getting very much in return. as a cast, we were scolded. as an actor, i was undervalued.

so i started thinking, maybe i should leave. but there were multiple reasons to stay. i really enjoyed the friendships i was developing with my cast mates. i was looking forward to performing, the first time in a couple years! i was actually beginning to grasp my character. really, the only reason i wanted to leave was my relationship with the director.

so i talked with her. she initiated the meeting. i told her i was considering leaving. she tried many tactics. she told me about what other cast members had said about me when i first signed on, about how they didn't like me. she told me about specific people saying that certain of my skills weren't good enough. she was tearing me down so she could build me up with that, "but you bring a depth and sincerity to slick that no one else can do."

one thing she tried to do was guilt me into staying. she said, "if for nothing else, stay for the time and energy the other actors have put into the play." that wasn't gonna fly with me. i've stayed in projects because i didn't want to let others down and i've ended up resenting them. if i was gonna stay, it had to be for my own reasons. on my own terms. so i said, "no, if i stay for them, i will hate them. i have to stay for me." to which she said, "you haven't played many team sports, i see." how fucking condescending. i told her, "i only play team sports."

even though i had gone into the meeting wanting to negotiate ways i could stay, a lot of the conversation ended up being her gossiping--something she always discouraged us from doing. somewhere in the conversation she asked me, "so, do you know what happened between [so-and-so] and [such-and-such]?" i did actually know, so-and-so had told me herself. but something about that moment made me lie and shake my head. maybe i was trying to tell her, i don't want to know. maybe i was curious what she would say. then she said, "well, you should ask so-and-so yourself, but it was basically [a very offensive thing to say about anyone, and illegal.]" at that point, i thought, just get through this meeting. just get her to agree to be the director. just tell her, i will stay, but i am going to distance myself from everything but the acting. and i did. at the end of it, i told her, i don't wanna know. i just wanted to be an actor. not a confidant, not a problem-solver.

the meeting ended and i was ambivalent. i felt like the director had not completely heard what i was saying, but she had heard enough that when i said, "i want you to only be the director to me. so i can be an actor. to insure this, if i find myself complaining about you, i will talk to you directly," she said, "good, okay." then she said, "in return, i want you to promise me you won't leave the production." after some thought, i agreed.

that evening, i called so-and-so. she has been my confidant. she has been the person in the play who i felt closest to. i talked about the meeting. i told her about how director couldn't stop gossiping in response to all my critiques. then i told her what the director had said about her and such-and-such. so-and-so said, "what the fuck?" and we bitched a little, but concluded, "well, that's [director] for you."

the next morning, i woke to realize, "jeez, i'm already complaining about the director. is this gonna work?" i saw that i had a voice mail from her but put off listening to it because i thought it would be her asking me to do something. finally i sighed and listened to it. on it, the director just simply said, "your services as an actor are no longer needed. we're recasting the role. please cancel the rehearsal space at UT."

i was floored. i didn't understand. what? huh? wha-hah?

i called the director back, but she didn't answer. i just said, "i got your message. i'm very upset. i think it was really disrespectful of you to fire me over voice mail, especially in light of our conversation yesterday. thanks for that."

it was just plain cruel. ask someone to promise to stay just so you could fire them? offer them no explanation? what the fuck?

the day continued with a flurry of phone calls. i called a couple other folks on the cast just to say, "i've been fired. i don't know why. i want you to know i respect you and i will miss working with you." i cried. i felt deeply ashamed, but i wasn't sure of what. i was angry. i was worried that other cast members had conspired to fire me because i had second thoughts. i thought the director had found someone "better" than me to play the part.

then i got a message from so-and-so saying, "oh my god, kt. i did not think that [director] would fire you. this isn't about you. you just got caught in the crossfire. if you're mad at me, i totally understand. i wish you the best in your future endeavors."

wha? when i finally reached so-and-so, i said, "now, WHY would i be mad at YOU?" turns out, so-and-so slept on what i had told her. the next morning, she realized she was livid about what the director had said to me about her and such-and-such. bless her brave heart, she decided to confront the director about it. basically calling the director on her shit, something like, "i don't appreciate you talking about me to other members of the cast. it's my story to tell. you always criticize us for talking about you behind your back, but i think you're a hypocrite. if you want, i will tell you everything i think to your face once the production is over. i'll see you at rehearsal."

then what happened was, the director fired so-and-so right there, no discussion. and then, apparently, she called me and fired me. even after so-and-so narrated this, i told her, "again, WHY would i be mad at YOU?"

it was a bad decision on the director's part. the next day, the director informed the rest of the cast that she had fired so-and-so and myself. i don't know what planet you would have to live on not to feel threatened and angry when two of your colleagues get fired for no apparent reason. another cast member decided to quit. then another. as far as i know, only two out of eight cast members remain. it's a rapidly sinking ship.

after those two quit, i got another call from the director. i couldn't bare to talk to her. when i listened to her message, she was super conciliatory. trying to explain her way out of her actions, and finally wishing me the best on my projects. i am convinced that had i answered the phone, she would have asked me back. i would have said no.

because the director is a crazymaker. i think that is what i was trying to tell her at last week's meeting. i was trying to say, very gently and professionally, you're driving us away. you're creating drama where it doesn't belong. you're triangulating us. you're discounting our realities.

but you can't reason with a crazymaker. because they deny they are crazymakers. because nothing is their fault. i've been tempted out of pity to send her a message saying, look, [director] you should know you are a crazymaker. until you resolve your crazymaking ways, nothing you do with other self-respecting artists will come into fruition.

but i won't. even though i'm deeply saddened all that work and emotional energy has been squandered, i'm glad that i have eliminated a crazymaker from my life. to engage with her would bring her back into my life. i absolutely don't want that.

part of me wishes she reads this post and realizes she is a crazy maker. but that's all it is, wish.

i had high hopes for this production. in case it isn't obvious, we genderqueers rarely get a chance to act. there are hardly any roles for us, that's why i write my own stuff. it felt like such a good thing, for a while. a gaggle of queers acting queer and human and playing out dramas on stage rather than in life. for a short while, that is what the production was. that is what we all wanted it to be. and then, literally overnight, it crashed and burned. now, even if the play does go up, it won't be that queer ball of goodness it once was.

so, now you know. thanks for reading.

on a completely different front, i submitted my creative capital application. i've grown a little. through all this drama, i managed to preserve a little bit of myself in order to finish something that could really and truly benefit me and nurture me. i'm thankful for that.

on crazymakers

in the artist's way, julia cameron spends a significant section on "crazymakers." here is what she says:

"crazymakers are those personalities that create storm centers. they are often charismatic, frequently charming, highly inventive and powerfully persuasive. and, for the creative person in their vicinity, they are enormously destructive."

in addition, she lists the following bullet point descriptors. crazymakers:
break deals and destroy schedules
expect special treatment
discount your reality
spend your time and money
triangulate those they deal with
are expert blamers
create dramas--but seldom where they belong
hate schedules--except their own
hate order
deny that they are crazymakers

she doesn't go so far as to say, "eradicate those crazymakers from your life," but rather says instead that we should ask why we still tolerate them. why we let them block our creativity.

i have spent a lot of time with crazymakers. i once tried to direct a show where half the cast were crazymakers. of course, that show never happened.

i know that i have been a crazymaker in the lives of others. i think we all have the potential to be crazymakers. but we actively choose not to be. it's an act of vigilance.

lovely, wonderful, sage-like partner has encouraged me to allow my anger toward my recent crazymaker to blossom. i am angry. but i can't let it go completely. i see the crazymaker in myself and falter. but i think i need to embrace the rage. because i've worked so hard to not be a crazymaker to others. i deserve the same courtesy.

i do. i really do.

on inappropriate laughter

ahhhhhh, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

i've been fired, y'all! from the play that i've spent many months working on. from the play that i had to get over my kissing anxiety with. from the play that i've worked very very hard to promote and act and understand!

i started crying, but then i just kept laughing. laughing and crying, crying and laughing. like the borderline crazy that i am.

the first time i really started laughing like this was when my mom died. now it's just second nature to me. uncomfortable? laugh loud. sad? laugh loud. mourning? laugh loud. livid with anger? laugh loud.

i can't even write here what all the reasons and problems were that have led to this. i'm tempted to slander a certain someone and sit back and enjoy the carnage. but there is a part of me that just can't do that.

so i laugh.

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

you should know that only yesterday i was pressed by the producer of the show to *promise* to stay on, because i have brought "such a sincerity and depth" to my character. you should know i was considering leaving but after yesterday, i decided to stay on anew. you should know that i was fired over voicemail.

there are other details, but really, that would just be too much.

i'm an unemployed actor, y'all!

Hah. Hah. Hah.